Saturday, May 07, 2005

I need a paper towel.

There has been a dead spider in my bathroom since Friday morning. I saw it in the mirror around 6:15a.m., as I was getting ready for my exam. It's too bad there was no one else there, because I'm sure the look on my sleep-deprived face was fucking priceless. After the half-second I completely froze, trying to determine exactly where it was on the wall behind me (so as to not flail myself right into it), I ran to my kitchen cabinet. I grabbed the can that looks like WD-40, with the little straw, except it's probably the most lethal pesticide you can legally purchase in the states. The maintentance man in my building let me keep it after I called him to kill the ginormous tarantula that walked right in when I left my window open too long last summer. Before you make fun, even he said "holy shit, that's the biggest thing I've ever seen." Anyway, a little spray from this can will kill an elephant and probably all the plants within fifty feet of it. Of course, I can never let it go with one quick spray, I have to keep spraying so the little fucker doesn't run under the cabinet to die. Which results in my entire apartment smelling like a chemical factory, which I know will end up giving me some kind of messed up cancer. But as my friend said, "Well, if that doesn't give it to you, something else will," and...that's a fair point.

So anyway, the spider curled up and died in the corner of the bathroom. I'm always afraid they'll come back to life, so I left it to soak up the pesticide while I went to take my exam. The problem now is that it's really too big to pick up with toilet paper, and I keep forgetting to bring a paper towel with me when I go to the bathroom. I know, there's really no end to my laziness. But it's Saturday night now and I'm a little worried that soon his family is going to realize he's missing, and go looking for him. Tomorrow morning I'll go to wash my face and 53 daddy long-legs will be lined up on my bathmat having a fucking wake. That's all I need.


At 11:22 PM, May 08, 2005, Blogger Moral Turpitude said...

You should borrow someone's vacuum cleaner to pick it up. Then you don't have to bend over or even touch it. When you return the vacuum, the spider corpse is out of your place and you don't have to worry about it anymore. That's what I do. A little extra effort but that's what extreme laziness requires. Catch-22.

At 12:51 PM, May 09, 2005, Blogger Heather said...

Nice. I've considered using my own vacuum in the past, but I have one of those mini-bagless vacs. So I just know that a week later I'd go to empty the container and end up scattering it all over my living room when I spotted a huge spider in it. Your idea is much better.

I did finally pick this guy up on Sunday morning. He was a little crunchy by then.


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