Wednesday, July 06, 2005

A sure-fire way to make certain you'll never walk again.

1. Wear flip-flops everyday for three months.
2. One day, decide to put on your slammin' 3" heels with your power suit.
Power Heels
3. Take the metro.
4. Get lost coming out of the metro, so you walk at least six or seven blocks through the ghettos of Maryland. Be thankful you put iPod away before getting off train.
5. Make sure three of those blocks are straight up hill (so you get to come back down, too).
6. Realize the courthouse was only a block away from the metro, in the other direction.
7. Sit for awhile so your new blisters can puff up real big.
8. Stand in front of a judge and shift side-to-side so you can feel the blisters squishing between your baby soft skin and the hard (but hot!) shoes.
9. Squish them some more while you stand outside the courtroom arguing with a lawyer and a mediator.
10. Walk back home.
11. Seriously consider shimmying out of your pantyhose on the metro so you can walk barefoot.
12. Exit metro at home, realize you still have 4 blocks to walk in agony.
13. Fuck it, take them off, and glare confidently at the people now staring at you, as if you always walk down the dirty DC streets barefoot in power suits.
14. Get home, throw away brand new pantyhose now filled with holes.
15. Break out the gauze and first-aid wrapping tape you bought when you used to play sports and had legitimate injuries, and wrap both feet.
16. Spit on your hateful, ugly, 3" heels as you leave to walk a mile to bar/bri class.


At 9:12 PM, July 06, 2005, Blogger Kelly said...

You're right, slammin' heels!

Can I just tell you I did the same thing when I was in DC in April and going around to meet with people all over town. My heels weren't as slammin', but despite being perfectly comfortable for church or some school event, they proved to not be Metro and walking friendly. As soon as I got off the bus from the Pentagon, I ripped those shoes off and walked in increasingly holey hose to my friend's apartment.

At 2:00 AM, July 07, 2005, Anonymous jake said...

are you sure this wasn't some passive aggressive attempt to prevent the "stranger-danger" foot-fetishist from trying to pick you up at the bus stop again?

At 10:38 AM, July 07, 2005, Blogger Heather said...

jake - possibly. but if i was trying to do that, i probably should have left out the photo of my shoes. you know that's been printed out and is under someone's pillow by now.


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