Monday, December 12, 2005

The command is: snap and point far, far away. Learn it, live it, love it.

If there's one thing I've learned in the past seven days, it's that I'm so not ready for children. Not that I'm exactly turning down offers, mind you, so I'm not worried one will just show up one day and expect me to take care of it. I'm just saying.

My roommate had to take a last-minute work trip to Miami and left the pooch with me. At first it seems like good timing, because Chase's other daddy was visiting for the weekend and was going to take him up to NYC for a little vacay, but that fell through, so here we are.

Introductions first. This is Chase:
Chase
He gives me this look often. It can mean, "Seriously, it's time to go outside." Or it can mean, "Please, stop pointing that thing at me. I know it's a camera even when you don't look through the viewfinder. I'm not dumb." I think here it means, "Jesus, Heather, could you put your clothes away like, every other day at least? It's getting crowded in here."

Anyway. Dogs need attention. Usually there is a house full of people just waiting for Chase to shove his butt in their lap, asking oh-so-nonchalantly for a rub. But as my roommate goes, so goes his boyfriend, which leaves me. Let me tell you, I do not have the energy of three people, but Chase seems to insist I delve down deep and find it. He's so needy. Pet me! Feed me! Give me the middle of the bed! Man...it's a wonder my roommate can function at all with the attention his pup requires.

Then at other times, Chase totally disappears. I thought maybe he was engrossed in a thrilling Tom Clancy novel, or building a model airplane upstairs. I look around the house and find this:
Chase lounging.
Wtf? Here he is, lounging around, when he knows full well there is work to be done. Sweaters to knit for the children and such. But instead: lounging. Like a dog.

Unless someone comes to the door. Then, with an energetic leap into the sky, he transforms into Evil Dog of Hell-Death. I've had more than one heart attack when Chase thought he heard something at the door and did his Evil Dog of Hell-Death Bark of a Thousand Rabid Wolves. The mailman is a frequent subject of these attentions. And god forbid any of these strangers should have to come inside the house. I still have a mark on my knee where I got between Chase and a boy who came over to ask me out. (Though, I realize now Chase was just trying to warn me to steer clear. Thanks, boy, here's a treat.)

I had the "children" realization sometime around Friday night. I had ordered pizza and was looking forward to a quiet night in with some grease and Cindarella Man (sexy Russell Crow, yes please). Chase has this thing with pizza, because his dad always gives him the crusts, so he knows he's guaranteed to get people food if he lays in wait long enough. Not with me though. I cut him off from people food early on in our relationship. Partly because he's not my dog, so I always worry he'll get sick from something I gave him. Mostly, however, it's because if he knows there is a chance of getting a morsel from you, he will sit rigidly two inches from your plate and stare predator needles of death as you finish your meal. Maybe I'm weird, but I find that there is no humanly way possible to enjoy your meal when someone is staring at you take every bite. I spent two grueling weeks teaching Chase the command to "go the fuck away and let me eat," which works pretty well now. But not so much with the pizza. I'd finally get him to go sit on the other side of the living room, then he would slyly stare at me. I mean, his body wouldn't even be facing me, he'd just turn his head all the way around, like I wouldn't notice. I nearly lost it. Why can't he understand English! Seriously. Auntie Heather needed alone-time with the pepperoni, but someone couldn't go two minutes with attention.

The point is, this is just a dog. And it's only a couple of weeks. Kids are for life. Life. And they need a lot more attention then a couple of rubs and a "good boy" and a treat every couple of hours. They're, like, a serious responsibility, man.

So, count me out; I am way too selfish.

4 Comments:

At 1:58 AM, December 13, 2005, Anonymous jake said...

Heather needed alone-time with the pepperoni

THAT's hot.

 
At 9:28 AM, December 13, 2005, Blogger stag said...

Shameless animals are so funny. They do what people don't normally do becasue it's not socially acceptable- sit in the corner and stare, run away as soon as they've lost interest. It's funny to watch.

 
At 4:08 PM, December 13, 2005, Blogger G. said...

He is adorable!!

 
At 10:36 PM, December 13, 2005, Blogger Heather said...

you say that now, gg. wait until he bites off your face, then we'll see what tune you're singing.

 

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