No really, it's good for you.

I think there's something about eating reduced fat oreos with a cup of skim milk that says I'm really good at fooling myself.

Friday Spies

So, I've seen this all over the web, but I don't know if you're supposed to be asked to do it, or if you can just hop on the bandwagon. They look kind of fun and, hey, it's Saturday morning so I might as well occupy myself with interesting questions. And gosh, I'd do anything to fit in with the rest of the blawgosphere. So, from BTQ:

1. What is the best thing about the city in which you live? What is the worst?

Well, it's tough not to say that this and this aren't pretty cool. However, the only time I ever see the capital attractions are when I have visitors in town. Practically, I'd say the best thing about living in D.C. is the metro system, because it's super convinenent, clean, and cheap (relative to my car, which cost me upwards of $7000 a year before I sold it). And I don't mind walking around town a bit when there's not a stop right next to where I want to be.

The worst thing about the city was having to go to law school here. When you're living on loans, a night out filled with $10 dirty martinis can easily soak up half your semester allotment. And while the metro may be convenient, the people who ride it drive me f-ing crazy. Listen: Stand on the right, walk on the left; wait until people exit the train before your push your rude-ass onto it; and for the love of god, don't put the same hand on the pole that you just used to wipe the snot off your ugly kid. Thanks. Also, this guy says it pretty well.

2. Describe an idea or invention of yours that you would like to see turned into reality.

In third grade, Scott's wife, Jessica, and I built an automatic dogfeeder that totally should have won first place at our invention fair. We sewed a zipper on the top of a big bag of dogfood and hung it upside down in a wooden frame. We attached a string to the zipper and tied it to the winder of an old-school clock and set the alarm. When the alarm went off, the string wound around the twirling winder and opened the bag. The food fell into the bottom of a tilted cardboard box, which had a hole with paper towel tubes attached that led to the bowl on the ground. Fucking brilliant right? Of course it only worked one time, since all the food in the bag spilled out. I still have the dog we hired for the day; here she is modeling again for you:

3. Name an overrated author, musician, and movie. Name an underrated author, musician, and movie.

Overrated author: Ernest Hemingway. After forcing myself through The Old Man and the Sea, I suddenly understood why he killed himself. Also, J.K. Rowling. I think it's great she's inspired millions of kids to read, seriously, it's the 40 year old man reading Harry Potter during his commute that boggles the mind. At least take the dust jacket off and stop embarrassing yourself.

Overrated musician: Anyone appearing on American Idol. Also, Radiohead. I know a lot of people who would slap me for saying that, but I've tried to listen to their albums, and I just don't get it. It all sounds the same to me.

Overrated movie: Star Wars. I just saw Episode Three and it was really difficult not to burst out laughing during the first light saber fight. "Whomp! Whomp! WhompWhomp! Whoooooooooooooomp!" Don't forget the scene changes. There's the "windshield wiper," the "vertical blinds," the "shrinking circle," etc. It really blows any element of seriousness right out the window. And after this exchange, I really think George Lucas should go into the romantic comedy business: Anakin, "You're beautiful." Padme, "It's only because I'm so in love with you." Anakin, "No, it's because I'm so in love with you." Ha ha. You're only hot cause love is blind, sweetheart.

Underrated author: Carl Sagan. Cosmos is a must read for anybody. He can pull together every branch of physical science, philsophy, and social science in an interesting and readable way for any layman. Also, his book Contact is a thousand times more interesting than the movie.

Underrated musician: Hmm, there are tons. Elliott Smith maybe. I don't know, most of the musicians I like who aren't ultra-popular, I prefer to stay that way because there's nothing worse than finding out a band you like suddenly became the favorite band of some snobby high school kid on the O.C.

Underrated movie: Contact. I know, I really like Carl Sagan. I'm sure there are others, but I'm running out of coffee.

4. If your life were a sitcom slated to air in the fall, what would the show be called? Who would you cast in the starring role? And for extra credit, give us a brief treatment of the show.

That's funny, because I think my life is a sitcom slated to air in the fall. It's going to be called, "Welcome to the Welfare Rolls," and I'll be cast by a young blonde who will play an overly-educated, severely-indebted, under-employed 20-something in the big city who's now got to make it using only her charm and wiles. Maybe a Reese Witherspoon type. Her wacky escapades will include running from student loan collectors and working odd jobs like bike messenger and window-washer.

5. When is the fun supposed to start?

I hope I'm not supposed to quote something from this movie. I've actually never seen it. I know, it's like a sin or something.

Maybe machines just hate me.

I was halfway through depositing my graduation money at the ATM this afternoon when the whole machine froze. I freaked out thinking it ate my card and that I was going to be forced to have a hissy fit on Connecticut Avenue, but after a few minutes of pushing all the buttons over and over it spit it back out and the screen changed to a big "Closed" sign. Sigh.

Next I went into the grocery store, picked up all my fruits and veggies (and oreos, for a balanced diet) and got into the line where the grocer told me, "Sorry, our credit/debit machines are down." Of course they are! Luckily my mom and grandma got satisfaction out of padding my wallet last weekend, so the kiwis weren't getting out of that one so easily.

As I was walking back past the ATM, the closed screen was gone and it was in the middle of eating some other guy's card. So I guess it's not just me. As I watched, the machine started to change into this:


Which reminds me, have you noticed that the plot of every other movie these days is "Man creates robots, Robots turn on man"? I just saw a preview for another one last night. Maybe they're a little too true. One day soon we'll be hiding in the sewers from our Roombas.

I'm so smart!

I got this invitation in the mail today from my law school:

"In honor of your admission to the Virginia State Bar, Dean So-and-So cordially invites you to [some lame brunch]."

Wow! Congrats to me! I must have really received a good education if I can pass bars without sitting for them. I checked the VA rolls and, as I suspected, the other person with my last name (who graduated in December) passed their bar in February. My mom thinks I should totally go, and a friend thinks I should 'remind' them about that full scholarship they gave me, too. It's nice to know WCL has their shit together, as usual.

"Dear Heather, we at Apple don't care about you or your stupid computer problems"

I mentioned last week that Apple sent back my laptop without fixing anything, so I called my "personal representative" guy, Curt, and left him a message. His voicemail said he'd return the call within 24 hours, so I found myself annoyed when nearly two weeks later, he still hasn't called me. I would have called back earlier, but I've been a bit busy with the fam and other errands.

I think I've had a lot of patience with Apple, seeing that my iBook had the logic board (a.k.a. motherboard) replaced three months after purchase, the screen and battery replaced 8 months later, then the cd burner and hard drive replaced (resulting in the loss of ALL my information, since my cd burner was broken and at the time had no other way of backing up everything, and the computer crashed and burned so fast I couldn't do an emergency emailing of all my info), and now, the fan is broken so it's wildly overheating. But now Apple's not even fixing the problems I send it in for - and that AppleCare Extended Warranty is not cheap - and the techie who is supposed to be helping me doesn't even call back.

Today, however, really takes the cake. I just called back and got a new message on Curt's voicemail: "Thank you for calling Apple. I regret to inform you that I no longer work for this department, please call the main help support line." WTF?? I left a message on this guy's machine - someone couldn't have called me back to let me know? Christ. So I called the main line and it's busy. That number must have 100 lines attached to it, and it's busy? C'mon Apple, get it together!

Update: Un-fucking-believable. I finally got ahold of some guy, who, of course, transferred me to another douchebag who took all my information, put me on hold for at least ten minutes, when I was suddenly transferred back to the main line and had to start all over again. What. Ever. I eventually got ahold of Elise, who is sending me a trusty DHL box so we can start this repair process all over again. So, I guess I'll be without my laptop for the first few bar/bri classes.

Clash of the colors

I promised a picture of my hideous gown:



I picked it up on Saturday with my mom and grandma. They wanted me to try it on, partly just to see how the hood thing worked. We were all joking around, but then my grandma just started laughing so hard and said, "It's just so...ugly! I'm sorry!!" Ha! My mom and I just about died. Being my grandma, she apologized for the next two days for saying it, even though we kept telling her she was completly right. The red on purple on blue doesn't really do it for me. Not to mention the ugly AU logo on the front and, lastly, the tassle, which for some unknown reason is gray. But hey, I got to keep it! Seventy-five dollars and all I have now is an ugly tassle. And my $120,000 receipt, also known as a big paper degree someone will lovingly frame for another $189.

Here's the shindig:

I think this is the part where they hooded Senator Sarbanes. He must be so proud. He thanked us appropriately by droning on about Enron for about twenty minutes. I'm not sure what it had to do with graduation or growing up or moving on. But I know now that reporting profits 20% higher every single quarter is, you know, wrong. Lesson learned. At any rate, it gave me time to read through the graduation program and notice that they took the liberty of denoting every student who gave to the class gift. Wtf? I may have written before about how much I hate AU and would never give up my hard loaned money to them. I think my mom thought I was being a little facetious until she noticed that almost no one donated. Ha. I mean, they couldn't have put stars next to students who were on law review, or were on our high-powered moot court team, or the cum laudes or, like, anything that would actually earn a notation? Figures.

But, the biggest disappointment of the day was that my cute new Kenneth Cole shoes that I paid a pretty penny for killed my feet.

Ah, the things we'll do for fashion. I'm sure they'll be fine as long as I don't stand around for hours in them.

The rest of the weekend was much better. We hit up all the memorials, including the WWII, which I'd never seen. It's quite a sight, especially at night. On Sunday night I had some great trout at Firefly in Dupont, which I recommend. Actually, what was really nice was spending time with my mom and grandma together. After dinner on Sunday we sat on a bench in the circle and just talked for a few hours until it got dark and the bums started staring as they walked by. It's times like these I learn my grandma's friends called her Babs in high school. Well, their plane just landed at LAX. I called my grandpa a few hours ago to say hello. He's been inventing new ways to make potatos for himself this week, ha, while devouring the meatloaf he requested from my grandma before she left. Apparently there are 8mm movies of my mother's childhood they're going to dig up so we can watch and laugh when I visit in July. Break out the popcorn!

Meet your new lawyer.

It's me! I finally graduated, in a ceremony appropriate for the experience I had at AU. It was long, disorganized (they even forgot a few names and had to add them at the end - classy), and involved distinguished speakers who were hellishly boring. Also, our gowns were hideous. I'll post a picture later. It wasn't completely terrible, and the aura of the end of school was enough to make it a welcoming experience. Plus, I didn't trip on stage. Anyway, I've been awol the past few days because my family is staying until Wednesday. We spent the whole day at Arlington Cemetary today, which was a really moving experience. But we didn't realize we'd be there so long and ended up eating nothing until 5pm. My grandma is a serious trooper, we must have walked miles. Right now I have a pounding headache and the season finale of Medium is on, so I'm going to go lie down.