I am the walking dead.

It's like when I got my tongue pierced. Another girl, a friend of a friend, wanted hers done too, so we went together. I made the mistake of letting her go first. It was my first non-ear piercing so I was a little anxious to begin with. Then I watched the piercing guy (PG) shove a metal rod through this girl's tongue. Oh my god, that shit is gross.

So, I'm more freaked, but still going through with it. PG tells me I have to relax for him to do his thing. I push it all to the back of my head. Relaxed. I felt something softly pressing on my tongue. "Done, now don't move while I screw the head on." What? Done? I didn't even feel it! My friend and I are instructed to sit for a minute, then we follow PG to the front to pay.

I felt fine. Great! I got to the counter, and suddenly nothing was in color anymore. My friend says something to me; it sounds like I'm underwater. I gripped the counter and PG says, "Whoa whoa," and puts his arm around me while backing me up into a chair. After I sat there long enough to induce at least one person in the waiting room to leave, PG takes me to the back room again to lay down. He said it happens all the time, people get all geared up to face the pain, then when it doesn't hurt, the rush of adrenaline leaving your body makes you pass out.

Okay, so it's not exactly the same. The bar did hurt a little bit. But now I'm feeling that same release of adrenaline. My brain has completely shut off and I feel like a zombie. Like I could sleep for 10 days straight. I'm cranky and almost feeling worse than the week before the bar. I was totally calm then, and I think it was because I had pushed it all to the back of my head to deal with later. Now I'm dealing with it. Ugh.

My mom and I are leaving tomorrow to drive into the center of the sun. Otherwise known as Palm Springs. We're kind of regretting choosing to go in August. When we made the plans in May, a weekend poolside after the bar sounded great. After watching weather reports saying that Palm Spring is hands down the hottest place in the entire California desert right now, we're thinking, maybe we should have gone for Christmas. Anyway, I'm going to get a tan and drink frosty beverages. And I'm going to like it.

I am so tired.

And bored. Bored. It's very weird shifting back into reality. Especially still being at home, without my laptop, cable tv, or gym.

My mom and I drove back from Ontario this morning, watched a really bad netflix movie (Suspect Zero), then went to pick up my new glasses! Which...were not ready, even though I paid extra to "expedite" them. But I guess the style is popular so they're running out, or something; they didn't even have them on the wall anymore. I decided to buy another pair, too - crossing my fingers they really will expedite this one. They're cute and funky and I got them for 60% off because of some deal they're running. You can check them out here. I got the "warm beige," though the color's not as dull as it looks in that picture. The black is hot, but it was a little harsh on my pale on blonde face.

I got on a really good schedule this week. Hitting a sleeping pill at 9, asleep by 10:30 (a night-owl like me?! it's true!) and up at 6:45am. I can't tell you how much seeing the shuttle lift off while I was getting ready on Tuesday morning pumped me up for the first session. Only to see "shuttle fleet grounded" when I got home at 5. I told you this might be the last shuttle launch, didn't I? Anyway, I even got on an eating schedule, having a cup of joe and a blueberry muffin in the morning, some salad of victory and a balance bar at lunch, and munched on pistachios, caramel rice cakes and a turkey sandwich at night. So today, of course, I freaking gorged myself on a reuban sandwich and fries from Roxy's in Thousand Oaks, after the big complimentary breakfast at the Marriott (and after the dirty martinis the night before). I had a stomach-ache all afternoon. And it was great! But now it's 8:40pm and my body is telling me it's time for sleep.

I scoured my mom's shelves for something easy to read (I brought home "Reading Lolita in Tehran," which Rebecca gave me, but it might make me "think" so I'm going to give myself a few more days until I start it), so I picked up a hardback Tom Clancy novel, cause god knows he writes for a ten-year-old. I do love the military plots though, despite his atrocious use of metaphors. I was on page 13 when I realized that...I think I picked it up because the book is monsterously big and it feels like a Bar/Bri book. I'm still feeling the nagging itch to review a checklist or something, but I think it'll pass soon enough.

Planes, trains, and really bad smells.

I think that sums it up pretty well. If you were, like me, unaware of the exact location of the Ontario Convention Center, it goes a little like this. Here's the OCC, directly across the street is the Ontario Marriott, my home for three days, 20 yards behind that are train tracks, and 50 yards behind that is the freaking Ontario airport. It's also 95 degrees everyday, which means a good number of people stank to high heaven by 2pm, so the exam went kind of like this:

"You have three hours. Begin."
'Oh my god, what the fuck is the doctrine of exoneration?'
[rumble, rumble, rumble, CHOOO CHOOOOOOOOOO]
'Oh my god, what the fuck is this supposed to be crossed over with?'
[sound of jet engines firing]
'Oh my god, fucking PR again'
[the girl next to me shakes her fists at the sky, for the fifth time this session]
'Oh my god, I'm running out of time'
[the proctors keep opening and closing the entryway doors, so the stank in the room wafts back and forth in front of me]
"Time, please put your pens down."
TDB behind me, "Oh man, if you didn't see those cross-overs you were totally screwed. Ha Ha Ha. I saw them though, piece of cake."
Girl next to him, "Um, yeah, actually, I hate talking about the questions, if you don't mind."
TDB, "Oh oh, sure, yeah, some people hate hearing what they missed, I get it....Like in number two, there was [some issue]"
Girl, trying to be polite, "No really, I don't want to talk about it."
[10 minutes later, they're still collecting the books]
TDB, "I nearly missed [some issue] in question three! Can you believe that? Ha! It was so obvious, too."
Me, turning around and ready-to-kill, "She's asked you twice now, and no one else wants to hear you run your yap either. Could you shut it for the time we're all trapped in here? Then you can find your friends, which you may or may not have, and continue being a douchebag."

Well, I might have said a different version of that, but he got my real meaning. If there's one thing I learned, do EVERYTHING in your power to finish and get out of that exam room before they call five minutes, or you're going to be falsly imprisoned for a good half-hour, in addition to the twenty minutes they started late, giving you about 45 minutes to run somewhere and get lunch.

All in all, I can live with how I did. I was a little surprised at how much came back to me when I finally put pen to paper. On the other hand, if I fail, I guarantee you it will be because of the MBE. After the first session I was really terrified that I slacked too much on the practice questions, since I focused so hard on the essays. I literally guessed on maybe 75% of the questions.

But now I'm hearing that everyone thought it was BS, and I read over at Eve's that these may have been newly designed questions they're toying with. Well, I take issue with that. What kind of fucking asshole is sitting upstairs at NCBE telling the writers, "Okay, let's really fuck with their minds this year!" I mean, when they changed the SAT, we knew five years in advance, so all the test prep centers could re-do their study programs. So if they really did roll out a new system without warning, it totally undermines everything the bar is supposed to be about (and we know is a complete lie anyway) - that it's to see who is prepared enough to be a lawyer. And why the fuck did I pay Bar/Bri nearly $3000 again?

Anyway, I have a lot more to say about this week, but I think I'll dole it out in parts. I've been trying to get through all the blogs today, but you guys wrote a lot this week! It's interesting seeing everyone's take on it. At any rate, CONGRATULATIONS!! We're done. Hopefully for the last time. ;)

Radio Silence

I was going to make this involved analogy about beginning my final descent into the fiery atmosphere in order to reenter the world on Thursday, but then I heard the space shuttle is finally going to lift off on Tuesday, and I don't want to think about anything that could happen to them. Since it's been all-bar-all-the-time on this site, you may not know that I am a huge fan of the space program. I studied physics and astronomy in college because I wanted to work for NASA since I was little. Obviously I strayed a bit off that path. I had hotel reservations for Florida in May to see the shuttle launch, but then, as you know, it got delayed, then delayed again, but they've finally scheduled lift off for 7am Tuesday. Seeing a shuttle launch is on my list of things to do before I die, so if you're not wrapped up in the bar nonsense, you should try to check it out for me vicariously. It might be the last shuttle they ever send into space. Anyway, it would have been a good analogy.

So, this will likely be the last post you'll get from me until next weekend, since I won't have a computer with me in Ontario. I'm leaving for the hotel tomorrow around noon and I'm staying Thursday night, so I'll drive back Friday afternoon after some retail therapy at Ontario Mills. I would also like to point out:

I AM NO LONGER ZEN.

I am officially freaking out. Like "ohmygodididnotstudyenoughiamgoingtofailsohard" freaking out. I've been feeling nauseous since around five or six this evening, and now that I've eaten dinner my digestive tract feels like someone is playing hockey in there. I'm worried that Con law is a serious achilles heel for me. I owned Con law in school, but my scores on the MBE's are downright atrocious, and I confuse myself more and more when I try to understand what I'm missing. I looked at some essays today and...well, I think that's when my nausea started.

Anyway, I'm going to try to chill, I know I need to stay calm. I'm a little worried I'm going to have a nervous breakdown when I'm alone in my hotel room tomorrow. Well, at any rate, I'll have enough supplies to last me until the apocalypse. The packing for this exam is starting to look like a month-long camping trip. I've got a huge cooler of food, bowls, paper plates, paper coffee cups and lids and sugar and creamer, not to mention my luggage, bar/bri books, and copious outlines, checklists, and flashcards. I don't plan to actually study, but I want to be able to breeze through my notes and have it all there as a safety net if I freak out about something specific.

Of course, I wish the best for all my fellow bar takers, especially those of you whose advice and support have been my rock this summer. I can't believe what an incredible medium this was to get information, vent our frustrations, and even make friends throughout this experience. Like Chai said, I talk about you guys as if I'd known you for years. Good luck to you all.

One last thing, please don't leave any messages here about specific test questions. In fact, if you plan to talk about the exam in detail on your site, I'd love it if you gave me forewarning.

Bye all, see you on the flip side.

Brain food.

Some of my stress has been relived after I finally decided what I'm going to do for breakfast/lunch during the bar. I'm going to do the cooler thing and bring a huge bowl of the salad of victory with me. Along with some snacks: hummus & pita, pistachios, pluots (plum/apricot hybrids I got at the farmer's market this morning), and some blueberry muffins for breakfast. I think that's filling, but healthy food that I can eat before each test section, that won't weigh me down or result in total starvation towards the end of hour three.

So, I think I'm all set. My mom grilled me on what I was wearing and what I was bringing into the exam with me. I brought my super-special pens with me from DC (you may have seen their ancestors in pictures), but I think I'll stop by Sav-on and get some more, just in case my four run out. I did 7 mini-reviews and PT review today, and I'm feeling good. Seven mini-reviews tomorrow and a set of MBE problems, and the books get closed forever. Mini-reviews really help pull it all together for me; no more studying minutia. My poor mother had to listen to me recite my entire contracts outline from memory at dinner, then civil procedure, then community property. Saying it outloud helps me remember, and I'm tired of talking to myself. There's going to be a ton I forget (did I mention? I have the Worst. Memory. Ever.), but I'm letting it go.

I'm zen. I'm cool. I'm breathing deep, and ready to take this damn thing.