Wednesday, February 08, 2006

If it's gonna take my leg, the bitch better take all of me.

I must have angered the gods today. Maybe god is a really a dog.

After the Paper Cut of Death incident this morning, I nearly got my leg torn off by the god damn metro turnstile. I was rushing through, swiped my SmarTrip card like a good DC citizen, and kept on walking without nary a pause. Except. Except! One of the nasty yellow jaws refused to open, so my thigh smashed right into it, as the rest of my body kept going forward. Fuck. I hit the thing so hard I actually made a noise, and a very large man approaching to exit the turnstiles, shocked by the entire exchange, yelled, "Whoa!" to his traveling partners. I fully expected to turn around and see my leg lying there on the platform tiles, getting stomped on by commuters who could care less if you're dying because they need to sprint to catch the train that will be followed by another in two minutes.

I know quite a few of my readers are not in DC and maybe don't know what our metro entrances look like. So I thought I'd bust out my mad art skillz for you. I know these babies aren't Palm Springs quality, back in my hey-day of MS Paint (holla!), but these were done on Adobe Illustrator, which kicks some serious ass if you can use it, but look who we're talking about here. I couldn't even figure out how to use the color. I decided on classic black and white for you. Each drawing will be auctioned off on Friday, proceeds will pay off my legal education. Which is worth exactly the same as my drawings, funnily enough, though my lenders keep asking me for way more than its street value. Weird.

Here we go - you swipe your metro card on the top there, while the two yellow triangle things regress into the sides to allow you passage.

Evil Metro Jaws of Hell Before: (click to enlarge)
MetroOfDeathBefore

But! This is what happens when one of the jaws malfunctions.

Post-Ripping of Leg by Evil Metro Jaws of Hell:
MetroOfDeathAfter
Look! Someone even stole my bags in the second one. Not cool, people.

Remember me the next time you choose to ride Metro. Metro may open doors, but you can't enter them without losing a limb.

12 Comments:

At 10:19 PM, February 08, 2006, Blogger CM said...

I like how you included the "Whoa" guy. I couldn't quite picture that, but once I saw him it all became clear.

 
At 11:36 PM, February 08, 2006, Blogger Chai said...

dude, that was probably the best post you have ever written. hilarious.

did someone really take your bags???

 
At 12:04 AM, February 09, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

haha, no, chai. i didn't really fall to the ground, though if i had been going any faster...

 
At 1:51 AM, February 09, 2006, Blogger cg-c said...

I know it's mean to laugh at stuff like this but I CAN'T HELP IT...I giggled especially hard when I got to your excellent drawings! Loved the fat man.

And please tell me the bag steal was just in the pic?

 
At 10:30 AM, February 09, 2006, Blogger Kelly said...

I have to say that running straight into the turnstiles of the T in Boston when they refuse to turn, thus rendering any 5' 6" woman infertile because they just about hit you in the ovaries. must be a close second to the Metro jaws of death.

 
At 10:35 AM, February 09, 2006, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

That happened to me once where the reader didn't pickup on my smartcard mojo and I was just walking behind the prior person and since it didn't read my smartcard BOTH jaws of death closed...right on my cojones. Ay Chihuahua!

 
At 11:32 AM, February 09, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

chai and cg - you guys are a trip. i think if my bags had been stolen this post would have been less about funny drawings and more vitrolic rage about my missing cash, credit cards, ipod and jack purcells.

kelly - funny you mention that, i was going to compare the dc jaws to the new york/disneyland style of torture, but i guess i forgot. you're totally right, riding the subway in nyc seriously endangers your ability to have children.

ninja - that's happened to me too. few things are more awesome than getting your hips crushed to bits in those things.

 
At 11:57 PM, February 09, 2006, Blogger shell said...

ONG, you poor girl. First you were stuck in the metro doors and now this? Boy it is dangerous to ride the metro!

 
At 5:15 AM, February 10, 2006, Blogger Roonie said...

Heather, that was brilliant. I like Mr. Rotund just looking at your flattened body on the ground. What kind of good samaritan is he?

 
At 12:50 PM, February 10, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

ha, Mr. Rotund...that's what i should have called him.

 
At 1:01 PM, February 10, 2006, Blogger adrian said...

i waiting for someone to post about getting extracrushed by the new 8 car trains. i feel like this is the first step for the robots. they're dominating with their ovary crushers.

 
At 3:02 PM, February 10, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

adrian - about the impending robot take-over: you read my mind.

 

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