Sunday, March 26, 2006

Dear Dirt In My Backyard,

I'm sorry, but it's over between us. I tried really hard to make it work. When we met last fall, it was wonderful. We spent every weekend together. Sometimes, I'd come home from work, run upstairs to change clothes and meet you right away. We sat outside and watched sunsets and grilled burgers together.

You had a rough past, Dirt, I understand. Someone didn't treat you right and you needed someone to love you properly. So I cleaned you up, but it was sketchy at first. All that rubbish you were carrying came up to the surface, over and over. At first I thought I could ignore it and consider it part of your charm. So I turned my head at the broken glass, the coffee lids, the cigarette butts, and - strangely - the marbles. But there was more. Partly decomposed children's shoes, slabs of plaster. It got weird. I did my best to clean you up and make a real yard out of you. We even built that patio together, remember? Good times.

By winter, things cooled down a little. We didn't have time to see each other as much, but I knew it wasn't over. We were just waiting until the time was right. A few weeks ago, things started to heat up again. The weekends were clear and warm, so I bought you some flowers. You know, a little romance to start the spring off right.

But then things started to get bad again. Dirt, you know what I'm talking about. Maybe I tried to change you too much. A little tweaking was fine, but I suppose I wanted more from you. I didn't just want a clean, well-groomed yard, I wanted a place for my seedlings to grow. So I started nit-picking again. Spent afternoons with you, teaching you how to be a good yard.

Eventually, you rebeled. And yesterday, I reached my breaking point. A lovely Saturday afternoon with you, ruined, as I was cultivating the side strip, getting you ready for some delicious strawberry plants. You answered me loud and clear:


Yes, Dirt, it's all fun and games until SOMEONE GETS THEIR FINGER SLICED OFF BY AN EXACTO KNIFE. So I get it. You like being the way you are and will revolt against all efforts to change you. I suppose you're right - no one likes to be told they're not good enough. But I've had it, and I deserve better. You get the rest of the week to pack your bags. Actually, why don't I just do it for you.

Dear Dirt,

I'm moving on. I've already met someone else. As soon as I saw Top Soil, I knew the kind of yard I was meant to have. Top Soil is rich. Top Soil looks great and is ready for a real commitment. He'll take care of my baby plants like a real yard.

So that's it, Dirt. Have a nice life.



At 9:50 AM, March 27, 2006, Anonymous Sylvie said...

Good for you Heather! Sometimes, you have to know your worth. And if you ever feel regret or you start thinking about the past, you turn to those two half-gallons of ice cream you have in the freezer and you drown your sorrow in all that peanut butter goodness. Whatever you do, don't call. Stay strong sister.

At 12:20 PM, March 27, 2006, Anonymous bluegrasshole said...

I know what you're going through, how much it hurts to move on like that. I recently went through a similar thing with my kitchen. When we started, things were really cooking. But then I started working late nights and when I'd come home, dealing with the kitchen just seemed like too much of a burden. So I started turning to carry-out more and more. And the kitchen got colder and colder. I felt bad about it, but people change, ya know? And when it's time to move on, it's time to move on. Still, though, a part of me wants to cook up a stur-fry one or twice, just, you know, for old times' sake.

At 12:02 AM, March 28, 2006, Blogger Roonie said...

:( Sometimes the best response is just to let go. Painful, I know.

At 10:08 AM, March 28, 2006, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

I have an empty patch of dirt in my front yard, but I don't know what to do with it. I'd like some flowerz and stuff there to look nice, but I have more important things to do with my time, like drywall and kitchen cabinets.

I thought you just planted seeds and forgot about it. who knew it was such hard work?

At 6:00 PM, March 28, 2006, Blogger Martyn said...

Dirt won't leave my backyard despite the fact I've served papers ? You're not telling me I might have do some work are you ???

At 9:16 PM, March 28, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

Dirt is not the kind to take such subtle hints as binding legal orders. You have to dig your hands in and get rid of the bastard yourself.

At 10:22 PM, March 28, 2006, Blogger adrian said...

can you set dirt on fire, heather? that might be the best option. the nuclear one.

At 8:36 AM, March 29, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

adrian - that might be a good party activity, no?

At 10:45 PM, March 29, 2006, Blogger adrian said...

hell yea, see you saturday!


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