Saturday, August 05, 2006

Anorexia is the New Detox

Or so my roommates tell me. I'm hanging out having a lazy Saturday on the couch and Joe comes into the living room.

Joe: So hey, Christopher and I are thinking of doing a little detox, if you're interested.
Me (perking up, thinking of the numerous extra cheese pizza slices I ate at 1am last night after drunkenly stumbling home with C from an engagement party, for which we started drinking at 5:30pm): Oh?
Joe: Yeah, you make this concoction of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and some cayenne pepper to taste...
Me: Ew...and you drink this every morning?
Joe: Oh, no, it's the only thing you eat for ten days.
Me: ...
Joe: We saw this video on Current that followed these guys for ten days on the detox program. Every one of them lost 10-15 pounds in ten days.
Me: ...You're both fucking insane, you know that right?

I already knew they were both crazy, but this is a path through Crazy Town they've yet to take me on. Neither of these boys have three pounds to lose, much less 10, much less TEN IN TEN DAYS. Christopher and I had talked on Friday about starting to run together, so when he joined the conversation I said, "Hey, I wanted to get you up early so we could start running on Monday." C, excitedly: "Yeah, that'll be great!" Me: "What?? You're NOT going running, not to mention your two-mile-each-way walk to work on 10 calories a day!" C: "Why not! It'll be great!"

God, I live in queer-image-hell sometimes. I think I will take their cue and ease my caloric intake for at least the next week. I've been eating a lot of ice cream (it's so hot!), bbq food, and beer lately, and have definitely gained a few pounds, which always feels that much grosser during a heat wave. So, I can do that. Eat some vegetables and throw that leftover pizza out.

I will say though, they're going to give me great blogging fodder for the next week and a half. They'll be the "Joe passed out in front of his class" post, the "We can play the xylophone on Christopher's ribs!" post, and what's sure to be a fan-favorite, the "Do I need to call 911?" post.


At 9:19 AM, August 06, 2006, Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

A huge fast like you're describing is no joke. It's actually so hard on a person's liver to get so extreme. I like your idea, scale back on the 'scream, eat more salads. That's the voice of reason speaking.

If your roommates start suffering from awful headaches, you might suggest they go see the doctor. Those headaches are a signal that the body is way overstressed. But ... why am I telling you this? preachin' to the choir.

At 1:45 PM, August 06, 2006, Blogger G. said...

... and the post when they gain twice as much weight back afterward, when they return to normal eating after having forced their metabolism into "conserve and maximize the use of every single calorie because apparently we are starving to death" mode.

At 3:00 PM, August 06, 2006, Anonymous rexy and hot said...

it's nothing to get worried about. i for one weigh my poo to keep track of my caloric intake/output. you think it's gross, i think it's scientific and precise. and i'm not kidding. portion control and restraint are good in theory, but are really an imprecise and impractical way of managing your diet. (your posts about late night pizza and alcohol indicate as much--remember, a minute on your lips, a lifetime...) anyway, your friends should add minced ginger to their drinks. ginger has therapeutic benefits and also improves the taste of the drink. also, only particularized honeys have the right ph/sugar varieties levels to promote stomach acid increases (the point of the honey). offf the shelf "bear" honey is no good. it's pasteurized and has sugars added. thinspiration is in. the human body was designed for less than 1000 calories a day (ever see a kenyan who just eats maize meal). this portion-controlled, varied u.s. diet is the problem

At 1:06 PM, August 07, 2006, Anonymous Roonie said...

That is so bad for your metabolism on so many levels. Don't follow their lead, you'll keel over in the heat without enough calories for the day. As if you were going to. I know you weren't.

At 1:26 PM, August 07, 2006, Blogger Kelly said...

A woman at work actually did that exact fast. Crazy.

At 6:25 PM, August 07, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You'd only lose WATER weight....and muscle! Not fat!

At 10:59 PM, August 07, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

anon - especially when you don't have any fat in the first place.

Just another note - In that Current video, a couple living together made it through the ten days more or less unscathed, but another dude went totally fucking insane. I caught the video in the middle and only heard that they were "detoxing," but not what from, and I literally thought he was coming off heroin. He was screaming, crying for no reason, punching the walls, and woke up in the middle of the night on day seven and shaved his head to "reflect his emotional turmoil" or something. Jesus. Just eat a sandwich already.


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