Minor Epiphanies, Major News.
This is one of those things that we all know, but don't really think about unless it starts happening a lot. I'm not a very trusting person, and find it a mistake of the highest order if I let myself get suckered by someone or something. Which is to say, it finally took me over the last year to realize that apologies shouldn't happen very often. Apologies should be reserved for accidents or a random thing you couldn't have predicted. If it's not that, then the event shouldn't have happened in the first place, and if you find yourself apologizing to people all the time, you're probably too self-absorbed in your own life to be very concerned with the feelings of others. Alternatively, if you find yourself being apologized to all the time, you're probably a huge sucker.
This seemed relevant today because I was on both sides of the coin in the span of an hour. I was apologized to for the twentieth time for something that never should have happened in the first place, reminding me what a fucking dope I am. Then I had to apologize to someone else because I basically screwed him and had to beg forgiveness.
And with that, the big news: I'm moving! The short story is that I couldn't handle the dog any more. I need to be able to live in a house where my friends can come over without being attacked, where my heart doesn't stop when the dryer buzzer goes off because it's followed by a stream of barks so loud you'd think a burglar was breaking in, and of course, be able to enjoy a weekend the dog is away instead of having sheer anxiety at the thought of him eventually returning.
I'd only intended to look at houses, to see if it was possible to move out (if I could afford it, if there were places available where I wanted to live, etc.). But yesterday I visited a house and when I walked in, I swear to god, I just thought: "This is the house I should be living in." It's gorgeous, reasonably priced, it has an awesome patio and front yard garden, stainless steel appliances in the kitchen, with marble countertops. And even better, it's two bed TWO BATH. Woo! So, I don't have a roommate yet, but I don't think that will be hard to find in theory. And frankly, I'm trying to decide if I can swing the entire rent, because of course, I kind of hate people, and can't really see myself ever finding another roommate as good as Christopher.
So, I signed the lease yesterday, without getting a chance to talk to him. I could have waited, but I would have lost the place, and doing it over the phone seemed not quite right. He's also having an over the top shitty week, so I'm basically being a HUGE asshole right now. I told him this evening and, because he's Christopher, he was totally understanding and kind about it, saying that he understood why, and obviously it's big bomb, but we all do what we have to do. Of course, I know that he's understandably upset with me. I told him I'd help him do whatever he needed, search for houses or another roommate, whatever. I still feel just sick about it.
But I will say, I'm very, very excited about my new place. It's in the neighborhood and only a smidgen more than what I'm paying now, which is affordable. I move November 10! Who wants to help??