So I got home around 8:45 tonight and was looking foward to watching some perfectly respectable television. I switch on NBC and wait for Heroes to start. Unfortunatly, I was about to witness a horror that few moments of home entertainment can provide: Deal or No Deal.
First, there's a lovely looking women standing on the stage looking a bit giggly. Three aging former high-school football fullbacks in pastel polos are standing behind her, one of them yelling, "Yeah baby! You doin' great baby!" She's calling out random numbers while bimbo blondes eagerly clap and jiggle at every spoken word. Howie's looking faux-serious and his soul patch is starting to creep me right the fuck out. Man, what is going on here?
Then things start to get weird. The lovely looking women screams in glee when she gets $400 but cringes when she gets $400,000. They all shrug at $10,000. Seriously, what is going on here? Then the phone rings! You know, the phone on the desk right there! Howie answers! The Shadowy Man In The Booth on the other end has a secret conversation that ends in an offer of $29,000 to the lovely lady! She says no! Everyone screams!
Then things get REALLY WEIRD. Howie non-sequitors, "How's South Africa these days?" Well, not that great apparently, because half of South Africa is sitting in the audience. She screams! We're all on Oprah! Ten men barrel down to the stage! Everyone's crying! EVEN THE BIMBO BLONDES ARE CRYING! It's mayhem! No one cares about the money, because MOM'S HERE TOO! THE MEN IN PASTEL POLOS ARE CRYING! I'M CRYING! No, I'm crying at the soul patch! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE MONEY LITERING THE STAGE! IT'S THE GOD DAMN GREATEST DAY EVER BECAUSE WORLD PEACE HAS BEEN ACHIEVED! OR SOMETHING! WHERE AM I?!
Continued next time, on Deal or No Deal.