Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Man, that was a really good sandwich.

I bought a loaf of sourdough bread the other day because I didn't want to go out of my way to a real grocery store, so I stopped at a bodega on Rhode Island Ave that carried a total of three loaves of bread. I haven't purchased something other than wheat bread in about six years. I made a turkey melt for dinner (with a Cheddar/Muenster cheese combo and some diced onions) and I swear to god it was wrapped in some kind of unearthly liquid edible gold.

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So, someone somewhere has already made the requisite jokes right? To "The Moment of Truth" on Fox Network? Like, a whole moment, Fox?? Woo! Tune in for the moment of the century!

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Remember that fireplace I bought last weekend? I actually remember when he brought out the two open boxes, asking him, "Why are they open?" "Because I double checked to make sure it had all the pieces." Not quite. Not only was it missing 6 of the 7 logs but it had TWO burners and a bunch of bags of sand and decorative crap -- which, upon traveling back to BBQs Galore in nowhweresville Maryland this Saturday, I discovered was for a vented, not a vent-free fireplace. Essentially, it means if I'd turned the burner on I would have died of carbon monoxide poisoning in my sleep. So after conferring with five Galore salespersons and spreading out multiple boxes all over the floor of the store, the manager finally said, "Okay, I'm going to collect all the pieces you need and go to your house and make sure you have the correct burner installed." Nice! Oh the wonders of legal liability.

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Bearz r stoopid. Since I've been doing a lot of mindless but time consuming work lately, I need mindless but time consuming television to drone in the background. Turns out I've seen every single episode of every Law and Order incarnation, so awhile ago I discovered Turner Movie Classics and their old movie marathons (today was Cary Grant day). But this weekend I tuned into the Planet Earth series and listened to Sigourney Weaver tell me all about the tragedy and getting-eaten-ness of animals' lives around the world. Bears tend to feature a lot in the episodes, and it usually goes something like this:

**"The grizzly bear chooses to live in this barren Ethopian desert, where he travels over the rocks and sand looking for something, anything alive that he can consume."

**"The polar bear chooses to live in this barren, frigid land of ice. She's lost 50% of her body weight over the winter, and if she doesn't find food soon, her cubs will die when she stops producing milk. She'll hunt for seals, but will only catch 1 for every 20 tries."

And my favorite:
**"The panda bear chooses to live in the desolate high mountain peaks of China, because this is the only place bamboo grows, the only thing he can digest. If the female panda gives birth to two cubs, she must choose, because the bamboo she eats produces weak milk, and not enough to share."

Hello, bears? Maybe it's time for some kind of exit strategy. Get some Pepcid AC and a couple of cheeseburgers. Move in closer to the reservation and order some Peapod delivery with some tasty cows milk that'll fatten your little kids right up. I know, I know, a gallon is going for, like, over three bucks now, but if you just cut back on those long winter naps your lazyass can bring in a little more cash for your species that's always hanging on the brink of extinction. Man up, bears.

2 Comments:

At 2:36 AM, December 18, 2007, Blogger OutdoorType said...

But what kind of cheeseburgers?!

I think the bears already came up with this cheeseburger solution, but got hung up arguing over exactly where in the city a bear could find the best cheeseburgers, which of course led to the inevitable debate over what was meant by "city," which just got the fur all riled up on the suburban bears who felt they should be included under the greater umbrella of the city's name. Of course, this only served to piss off the city bears and resulted in a nasty bout of bear on bear violence, which in their weakened state only assured their mutal destruction. And that's why there are no more bears in our Nation's Capital.

 
At 10:29 PM, December 18, 2007, Blogger Kate said...

stupid bears.

 

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