Turns out there is such a thing as an "emergency stove purchase"...
...and other things I learned today. Like:
- If you give me a set of keys, a telephone number, a set of nuclear security codes, I will immediately, permanently lose them and/or lock them inside something.
- If you walk over six miles throughout the day during a severe wind advisory, bring a hair clip or something.
- If you need advice or anything at all related whatsoever to hardware or appliances, skip Headache Depot, which doesn't actually keep these things called "appliances" in stock on the premises and disclaims any and all knowledge of the such, and just go straight to Lowes, ferchrissakes.
- If you leave something outside by accident, god will rain all over it.
- If you hire some dudes to put in a new heating system, they'll call you at noon and make you buy a stove.
- If the first person you see outside at 7am is a ninja, that might be a sign of coming events.
- If you live near a bar, you'll always know where to find your pen-carrying friends when FedEx leaves you a package slip and you realize there's nothing in the house to sign it with.
- And lastly, don't let incompetent fools be in charge of your money, or you'll suffer the yanking of your chain for days on end while she disappears just in time to not answer your time-sensitive questions, only to reappear just to confirm your suspicions that she's totally screwed you during her imitation of a lazy city employee, and you spend the next hour post-morteming your phone call with her over IM in a conversation that's mostly you typing "fucking whore, FUCKING WHORE" over and over until your forehead becomes cemented in the furrowed position.
Luckily a good six mile walk and some coffee ice cream clears that right up.